I say that every time I write a new post, but it's true. But this time when I say that I'm going to make an effort to post more often, I mean it. I need my blog. And I've finally figured out why.
I feel ignored. People do not listen to me in real life. Whenever I get tests or something that ask if I'm a leader, I've learned to check 'no' because no one listens to me. I'd like to believe I'm a leader, I know I have great ideas and a lot to say and a story to tell, (and most importantly, I am right a good 90% of the time) but when it comes down to it, I know no one is listening.
Like when I tell people that I hate being called white. I've blogged about it before. I made a note about it on facebook. I defend myself when it comes up in conversation. I even made an art piece about it in a class, and a couple weeks later, it just popped out of one of my friends mouth, "Essence, you are so white."
But I'm not. I don't view myself as white, and to the majority of the world's view, I am Black, plus I've said a million times that I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT.
But people don't listen to me.
But blogging brings back some of my power. Even if all of y'all are strangers. Even if you will never meet me, never know me, you randomly stumbled across the tiny space in the world that I have carved for myself, the space where I can rant, rave, cry, laugh, bitch, whine, praise, dream, and create. And you care, even if it's just a teensy tiny bit.
And since I'm already posting, I have to say that today I am sad.
I thought I had a friend at work, but I texted him two weeks ago and he never answered me back.
I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. All of my exes were terrible communicators. I hate to say it, but I am the girl who likes having conversations through text. Or just getting a text in general. I don't care that guys just use texts for information. I don't think it's that high maintenance, because I hate calls. Don't call me. Ever. But texts are nice. Just to check up. It takes less than 10 seconds to send one. But my exes basically ignored me (which also annoyed the living fuck out of me because when I would hang out with them, they were constantly checking facebook and texting other people, but you don't see your girlfriend all summer, and you can't text her, whatever). And I don't care that I seem like a crazy person, if I fucking text you, at least answer back. Obviously, I have issues.
At any rate, I made him cupcakes. Strawberry cupcakes. From scratch. I hand chopped an entire carton of strawberries into little, tiny pieces to put in the cake batter. I made strawberry frosting. From scratch. I mean, it's not like the 18th century, I have a mixer and an oven, but who actually bakes these days? I took 2 hours of my time and a little bit of money to make him a batch of cupcakes, and he can't fucking text me back? It pisses me off. I hate being taken advantage of, but it always happens to me. And I told him I was upset, and he just said, "Sorry." That was it. He didn't even sound especially sorry. And I'm pretty awful at communicating my feelings in person, so I didn't accurately explain how wounded I felt.
True story.
But yay blogging!
