30 Days of Truth - Day 11

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Strangely, the thing I get the most compliments on is something I don't control. I didn't choose it, but everyone seems to like my name. Whenever I meet someone new they always seem to ask if my name really is Essence, which it is, and then they remark on the general coolness or beauty of my name. And since I'm constantly meeting new people, it happens a lot. It happened today actually. The girl who took my order at the bookstore thinks my name is pretty.

However, my mom named me. So maybe the compliment really goes to her?

The Infiniti Essence. Almost as good as me. Almost.

30 Days of Truth - Day 10

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go of, or wish you didn't know

So far, this has been the easiest question to answer, which only sounds horrible when you first read it. Actually, probably afterward too, but I will get to explain myself: I chose my ex-boyfriend.

Not the "wish you didn't know" part though, that's harsh, even for me. But the need to let go of part is definitely my problem.

See, I don't like a lot of guys, romantically, that is. I'm infinitely picky, especially when it comes to dating. So when I do like a guy, when I can see myself with them, I have a tendency to latch on and obsess and worry. Probably all of the most unattractive traits a female can have, and I have them all.

I know that's what made my ex break up with me in the first place, but I'm not sorry. I can't apologize for feeling what I felt or saying what I said because I felt it and I meant it. I need follow Shakespeare's words and stay true to myself because pretending I'm not a passive aggressive control freak with mild paranoia and a caustic tongue would ultimately end the same way.

At any rate, I need to let go because I'm not going to get another guy with my tunnel vision. Getting married and/or dating is not my primary (or even secondary) goal, but I would eventually like to settle down and feel like a guy besides my dad loves me. I'm still going to be hella picky though. My last relationship did teach me a lot about what I really want in someone I'm stuck with 'til death do us part.

So here's to the guy who gets that I'm a little neurotic but doesn't give me cause to be; the guy who knows and accepts me for who and what I am before asking me to change; the guy who articulates as well as he listens; the guy who can dish it out as good as he can take it; the guy who's as honest as he is funny; the guy who doesn't have to decide, but knows; the guy who means forever and always (TAYLOR SWIFT REFERENCE. Did you catch it?); and may I be ready to let go of the past, accept him, and be as intense as ever because that's how I roll.

Also, it wouldn't hurt if he looked like Prince Eric*.

If he weren't animated, and therefore not real, I would kill that damn mermaid for him. Look at his eyes! And that dimple for Pete's sake! I'd so win too.

* Although I'm flexible on this one. I'll also accept Hercules, John Smith, or Aladdin. What is Disney hunks for $1000, Alex?

30 Days of Truth - Day 9

I'm glad the 30 Days of Truth doesn't have to take exactly 30 days. Also, I need to step it up. I'm only on day 9.

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

The drifting thing happened to around 90% of my friends from high school. But since I didn't really like high school, I guess it's okay.

Then again, it also happened to about 90% of my college friends too. But if I'm choosing one, I pick Sam.

Sam is the first person I was really friends with when I came to UNT. We were both in the flute section for the Green Brigade, one day she asked me to eat lunch with her, and we hit it off from there. She introduced me to Cassandra, who is now my best friend and roommate, so it seems weird that we're not close anymore. The Sam I knew was great though. She was completely open. Does that make sense? Like not afraid to be a complete and total weirdo in front of strangers, cool with being herself, if that makes sense. When I first meet people I'm always afraid to be me at first because I'm pretty sure I scare people. Eventually though, I let it slip that I'm a complete freak, and then I just wait for them to run, but not Sam. She was weird to your face, she didn't hesitate to say what she was thinking, and I like that in people.

My original group was Sam, Julian, Anthony, and Cassandra, and it was the first time that I ever really "hung out" with my friends. My parents were over-protective, and they freaked out about boys and everything else, so for the first time, I was free. I had a group of friends who hadn't known me since kindergarten, who didn't know about my parents, who hadn't pre-judged me, and who actually liked me. But things happened. The melodrama that shouldn't be a big deal, but is because that's the definition of melodrama, and everything is crazy and nonsensical. Cracks and rifts form, sides are chosen, and you just have to wait for the dust to settle before you know what's going on. The things everyone claims to hate but just can't seem to get away from, you know?

I went out with her to dinner a couple months back in hopes of regaining what was lost, but she seemed more interested in past actions then focusing on me and the future, so I don't think I'll be doing that again, but we drifted, and I miss that crazy, cool, funny girl who taught me to laugh at myself.

Plaid Day (my camera doesn't like white people)!

It's in the Stars

While I don't actually believe my horoscope, I take pretty much every opportunity to read them (and I love this chart). I don't read mine daily in the newspaper or even online, but when my Cosmo/Glamour/Seventeen/Elle arrive, I scan the paragraph labeled 'Virgo' for insights on my life for the coming month. Their predictions never come true, which makes me wonder why I continue to read them, but I guess I like the idea of personality being aligned with an excuse.

I'm usually able to blame my critical nature and obsessiveness on being a Virgo. My gifts of modesty and quick-wit? Because I'm a Virgo. My issues with perfectionism and control? Attributes of the virgin. But now?

Like the exclusion of Pluto as a planet and the decision that indigo is not, in fact, a color as we were taught in school, science has screwed us again! There's a new Zodiac chart, and it messes everything up. Not only are most signs officially shifted, there's a new, unpronounceable one: Ophiuchus. And now, now I'm...a...Leo???

Leo

• Ruler: that magnificent, larger-than-life, passionate fireball the sun
• Your gifts: fearless leadership, boundary-defying creativity, emotional expression
• Your issues: over-committing, impracticality, egomania

...Okay, I might be a Leo. But only if I can keep the obsessiveness. And the quick wit. And the control.

Dressed to Kill

At my high school, we have an annual Band Banquet where all of the band nerds get together and party. It's actually better than prom because it's exclusive and the band kids aren't afraid of looking stupid so people actually dance, and there are prizes for random things like "best dancer" and all of the seniors get a present.

I went all four years, which is why I know it's better than prom, and now my little sister is going. The problem? She wants me to custom make her dress to fit this year's theme: Disney. Though, I can't remember if it's just Disney or Disney princesses.

She doesn't want an exact replica of a Disney princess dress though, she wants one "inspired" by the era or feel of a Disney princess. She even went so far as to make a photo album of dresses she liked, tag me in all of the photos, and ask for my opinion.


I guess it's not really a problem*, most of the dress designs are fairly simple. And actually, they're really cute. I even want three of these.

The thing is, someone needs to tell that girl that if I had the time, money, and willpower to custom create dresses, my closet would be a lot fuller.

Side note: If I were invited to band banquet, I would get a dress like Ursula the sea witch from The Little Mermaid. Black, slinky, and I have the boobs for it.

* The real problem is, she keeps referring to the movie Anastasia for a dress she wants even though I've pointed out multiple times that Anastasia is a Don Bluth film, not Disney.

30 Days of Truth - Day 8

Day 8 - Someone who has made your life hell or treated you like shit

I had a lot of trouble with this one too. I may lash out when I'm angry or upset, but it turns out that when I'm calm I can't think of anything. Sure, I know a lot of people who piss me off or have treated me like shit, but I guess I'm pretty lucky that I can't think of anyone who consistently made my life hell or treated me like shit.

However, I can think of an entire group...

In high school, I was a band nerd. Do you know why I was a band nerd? The theater kids were a bunch of assholes. And I wasn't even a great band nerd.

When I was younger, I dreamed of performing. I didn't want to be a famous actress or anything, I just like being in school plays and singing because my love of musicals goes way back. I've been in church Christmas/Easter pageants since I was three or four. In elementary school, I can remember being a toy soldier for an incredibly diluted performance of The Nutcracker. I was in Encore Choir in middle school. We would do a holiday show and a spring musical, and I can remember being Raggedy Ann and Ethel Toffelmier in our production of The Music Man. In junior high, there wasn't really a theater program, there was regular choir and then you could try out for One Act Play, which I never did because I was in Ready Writing, and I was in band.

In high school, everything was different. I think they sucked all the fun out of theater. Well, maybe the theater kids did have fun. I wouldn't know since I tried out for four different shows and never got a part, not even a small one, not even backstage. So I took the theater elective so I could learn more about theater, and I tried joining the drama club in an attempt to get to know everyone better, but that was an obvious waste of time since I had already been deemed unworthy by their clique.

My absolute favorite was the last show I tried out for, Alice in Wonderland. I convinced my best friend to go with me because I felt like such an outsider. Surprise, surprise I didn't get a part yet, she did. Oh, and not only her, but one of her friends who she convinced to audition with us the day of auditions. Later, my best friend became historian for the drama club, the office I wanted but couldn't even run for since you had to be in at least one show to become an officer.

I can accept the fact that I'm a crap actress, and no, I didn't take theater as seriously as them, but it wasn't like we went to a magnet school that specialized in that type of thing. It wasn't even like most of them were really great actors. Trust me, our plays weren't Oscar worthy, there were no groundbreaking performances. I seriously doubt anyone from Ennis High School will ever be famous (with the exception of Aaron Schumacher, because that boy is great.) But I cannot accept how cold and exclusive they were. They really acted like there were awards to be won and so much on the line for a great musical and like I was just going to ruin everything. All of them weren't even nice to me as a person outside of theater.

Looking back, I wonder why I wanted to be a part of that group, but hindsight is always 20/20.

I've got it.