Sunday, October 9, 2011

To Him With Love

It feels weird that this would be my 100th post and that this would be my first post after such a long time away from blogging, but this is something that I need to say to someone.

Dear You,

You probably won't read this, and if you do, these are things that I need you to know. Know that I mean every word.

1) I didn't block you on facebook because I was angry nor am I some kind of malicious bitch who doesn't want you looking at that unimportant drivel, I blocked you because I would obsessively check your page for any mention of myself and be forlorn when none was found. The blocking is for my closure and benefit, and it is not an act of petulance.

2) I didn't break up with you (or let you break up with me, depending on how you look at it) because you don't love me. This happened because I got tired of it. And by "it," I mean our lopsided relationship. I was tired of being the only one with any respect and consideration for my significant other.

I only have one specific instance to give you a clear picture of why I finally needed to end it, and it's the only one that mattered. I asked you Tuesday if you had anything to do, and after you replied that you didn't, you agreed to come to my apartment for dinner. You knew I was cooking. We agreed on 8 o'clock. On Wednesdays I have class until 5, so immediately after I rushed home and showered and did my makeup and put on a dress that I didn't buy specifically for the occasion, but still suited the purpose. I started to make dinner. I had baked a red velvet cake.

And while I was smoothing frosting on the top and decorating it to perfection, you called and asked if we could reschedule dinner on Friday at Red Lobster. I said okay, because really, what was I going to say? I didn't even ask what you were doing because I was so upset (Later you asked why I would say it was fine if I didn't mean it, but seriously, when has a woman ever said, "It's fine," and it has actually been fine??? And if I had insisted that you come to dinner like you said you would, you would have been sullen that you were missing out on whatever it was and ruined the night anyway.)

You hung up, and I cried. I stood in the middle of my kitchen in my lace dress and runny mascara with my cake and homemade white chocolate cream cheese icing that read, "Happy 7 Months," and I cried. Then I changed and made dinner for one because you can't just defrost chicken and re-freeze it. Then I had to eat it and watch TV by myself. And then my roommates came home and it was painful to be around people who were happy, so I locked myself in my room and watched West Side Story and ate half of that fucking cake by myself.

And that's when it hit me.

If you had whatever it is you blew me off for already planned, you would never call whoever invited you and cancel to do anything with me. But you thought it was appropriate to call me and cancel on my home-cooked meal. Why?

I might take anniversaries too seriously. I like to celebrate small victories. I like showing people I love that I appreciate them. Or maybe I was just happy to have time with you since I saw you once or twice a week. But you knew I was cooking. Why wasn't it a big deal to you? I don't even cook for myself! And it's not because I can't, I'm just really lazy. Half of the time I go to McDonald's and the other half I throw chicken nuggets or egg rolls in the microwave. I don't even like Red Lobster that much to be honest. The fact that you didn't think about me making you a meal from scratch and possibly getting dressed up for you and possibly with a gift (This makes two, btw. I have got to stop buying guys I date presents, I think that's what does it.) and a cake didn't cross your mind. You didn't think that I had painstakingly planned this out. You didn't think about me laying all of the ingredients out to make sure I had it all. You didn't think about me defrosting chicken or seasoning to taste. You didn't think I'd be angry or upset, you thought I'd be fine. You thought you could cancel on me, and with a promise to eat at a pretend fancy chain restaurant, I'd be fine.

Ed.'s note: This is excluding the fact that when we went to Red Lobster, he was late, he was obviously mad at me for being mad at him because he fiddled with his phone and ignored me, he said he didn't really like Red Lobster either, oh and then let me pay for my own dinner. Happy 7 month anniversary.

I know you have your justifications for why you did anything you did, and thousands of arguments about how I was wrong or insufficient, but I've had experience being a bad girlfriend. I know and am not afraid to acknowledge what or when I do wrong, so this time I know it wasn't me. I was an excellent girlfriend, not perfect but not lacking in any way that actually mattered. In fact, I tried so hard to not be the bad girlfriend that I was a bad girlfriend in that I completely neglected my own needs.

I pushed aside everything I wanted and believed in for you. I tried to be someone else for you. I don't like sports. I don't like sports logos. I don't like video games. I don't like drinking. But I put up with it, for you. I listened and tried to learn about a bunch of stuff that I didn't understand, for you. And you were never happy with who I am.

So when I asked if you loved me, it wasn't a trap. I was asking because why would I continue to put up with such an unequal, negligent relationship unless you reciprocated my feelings for you? At least then there'd be hope. I could work it out with someone who cared about me. But you answered my question when you not only answered no, but severed the relationship then and there. Through text message. I would have at least had the decency to meet you someplace first, but you beat me to the punch. And honestly, I wasn't upset. I don't want someone who's not going to even put up a fight for me. If you were in that much of a hurry to get it done, I'm amazed that you didn't do it at Red Lobster, but not really because breaking up with me in a text proves that you have no balls. If I hadn't tried to break up with you, we'd probably just be in that disrespectful, thoughtless sham of a relationship forever. Or until the final time you pissed me off, and I gave up.

This brings us to 3) I have a ritual when I break up with someone that I throw away everything that he gave me or anything that reminds me of him. In the past, I've gotten rid of jewelry, letters, T-shirts, and photos; And I can count the number of people I've dated on one hand.

When I went to throw away your stuff, I deleted three photos from my phone and two from facebook. That's it. I spent time, effort, energy, and money on this relationship. You definitely have things that I gave you, but I wasted everything on someone who literally gave me nothing

Ed. note: And you can blame not having a job all you want, you bought enough alcohol to get me something. Shit, I'm a girl. I kept the weed the ex before you gave me. Something, anything, free even. A weed. A rock. A Chuck-E-Cheese token. A birthday card, speaking of which, I got nothing from you. The same ex before you brought me a card, and he broke up with me the week before my birthday. Not to mention that I got you a present, and we'd only been dating about a month. It might not have been something you particularly wanted, but it was a gift that I picked out and something I tangibly gave you.

My empty trash bag is the perfect analogy for our 7 months together.

Finally, 4) It wasn't me, it was you. I can't stress this enough. I deserve better, and I'll get it. But you will never get anyone of value if you don't stop being so damn inconsiderate. Trust me, unless she's even more of a masochist than I am, the next girl won't last much longer. You can't go through many more girls without realizing it's you. I know you told me several times about a wall you built to protect yourself from getting hurt, but what I experienced is not a wall. You're selfish, and you use the metaphorical wall to shut the girl out so she can't expect things from you and you never have to give more than you want.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again, I want someone who meets or exceeds my expectations. That coupled with my tendency to throw myself 110% into every relationship makes dating hard, but every time it gets easier. I've only cried three times thus far, compared with a week of sobbing last time. I'll definitely know who Mr. Right is when it's difficult.

In any event, if 10 years from now, you've matured and given up Pokemon, and you've realized that you can't have a relationship of convenience where your "girlfriend" is only around when you want her to be and she's never any trouble at all and you realize you have to make an effort to make things work and you're still single and I'm still single, call me. I do love you, but the you I knew in the first three months of our relationship who called me and actually wanted to hang out and cared about my opinion. If that guy who tried to make me like him instead of being unsatisfied with me and under appreciating everything I did comes back, I'd like to hear from him. I liked that guy.

Essence Beasley

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