30 Days of Truth - Day 7

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for

Sorry it's taken so long, but this is a difficult question to answer.

Hmmm... for some reason, I interpret the answer of this question as a significant other or maybe a child, of which I have neither. So I guess I'll have to pick someone else...

The dictionary defines worth as "good or important enough to justify." Aside from God, which I feel is an obvious answer that I don't want to choose because I don't really identify the Lord as a "someone," I guess that the next most important people to me are my parents.

Yes, I know I bitch about them all of the time. I know they drive me absolutely crazy. I know we don't agree on everything and that I act like a complete idiot on every occasion that I deal with them, but they're my parents. They love me, they're always there for me, and they take such great care of me that I know I'm going to have a difficult time transitioning into taking care of myself.

I try to be a good daughter. I try to make them proud of me and never do anything that will disgrace them. And they definitely make my life worth it.

My daddy=Best daddy in the entire universe.

My mommy.

I always tell her, "Mirror, mirror on the wall; I'm my mother after all," because the older I get, the more I realize I'm picking up her habits and mannerisms. And I know we look alike, so don't say it.

My little sister.

And just so you know, my sister looks like my mom and I too. We should really get together and take more family portraits. Plus, plus, also, and:

HAPPY (belated) NEW YEAR!
(I just realized that this post is dated December 31st because that's when I started it. Technically though, today is January 4th, just for the record.)

30 Days of Truth - Day 6

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

I have a long list of things I never want to do, but something I hope I never have to do? Having to do something implies that I've lost control of the situation, and I like being in control of everything...

I hope I never have to lose a child. Death of family members is inevitable, and I expect it of most because people are ephemeral, but if it was my baby? Especially given how much I want one in the first place, to have one and then just have them be gone, and I can't do anything about it? Tragic.

Speaking of babies, I started making a baby blanket for my friend Tina. When it's finished, it'll look like this one:


Only hot pink because girls rule! I just want to get it done before the baby's born sometime in April.

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

I hope to visit Paris, France one day. And I'm not talking about a couple days stay either. I want to "live" there maybe a couple months or even a few years, but not permanently unless I get there and it is as great as my imagination has made it.

I have no idea why, but I've always wanted to go to Paris. I guess because I've always wanted to be an artist or fashion designer (even if I've taken the latter back), and Paris is famous for both of those things. And bread. I love bread.

My junior year of high school, I was thisclose to getting to visit Paris on this 10 day trip to Europe with my Spanish class. We would have gone to Paris, London, and Madrid, and we'd even get to go to Versailles (another one of my dream destinations). But last minute the company we would be touring with wouldn't take us to London because none of the other tour groups signed up for it, so they offered us longer periods of time in Paris and Madrid. Which I was fine with, and I think the other kids were fine with too, but someone's mom was like, "We paid for three places. Blah, blah, blah." and our trip was changed to Barcelona, Cote de Azure, and Rome. I'm not going to complain, it was a fantastic trip. I've been to five countries now: Spain, France, Italy, Monaco, and the Vatican (because it counts as it's own country even though it's in Rome), but if I could have spent three days in Paris over one night apiece in all of the other countries, I would've taken it, that's how devoted I am to Paris.

Now I desperately want to do study abroad. I found one for a whole semester in France for art credit and French language credit. But I can't get my parents to go for it because it costs $14,000. My mom keeps saying that I've been abroad as a reason that they won't help me go to France, but a) I didn't go to Paris specifically, the one place I've wanted to go forever. Not all places abroad are interchangeable. And b) I'd get college credit for this one. My mom just keeps telling me to save up and go one day when I have a job.

I get that it's super expensive, and that I could go to France on my own and save about $10,000, but if we're being perfectly honest, I'm probably not going to. I'm terrified of everything, and I'm not a very independent person. I rarely leave my apartment now, and in a country where I don't speak the language and I saw that movie Taken where they kidnap girls, get them hooked on drugs, and sell them for sex, I wouldn't leave the hotel in France. I'm not proactive enough to just pick up and move to France either. If I went with a study abroad program, they'd provide me with a place to live, food, and I'd be with other people my age who also speak English. In short, I'm a baby, and I need to be taken care of because I sure as hell can't do it.

One day...

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

You'll notice that it took me forever to get to day 4.

That's because it's taken me forever to decide to forgive someone.

Like I said before, I have a hard time forgiving people. Actually, that's not even true. I get my feelings hurt very easily, over very stupid things that shouldn't matter. Like a friend of mine tagged everyone from our college and career group to go eat at some restaurant in his facebook status except me, and my feelings are hurt. Then I blog about them (see what I did the sentence before?) or paint or even more rarely, exercise, and I forget about it. Then I guess I just expect people to be better or something or feel badly for being rude to me, but they aren't and they don't, and they do one more perceived wrong to me, no matter how small or insignificant or stupid, and I just can't forgive them. This is usually followed by absolute refusal to communicate with them and a lot of grudge holding. There's a girl from my high school that sent me a friend request (facebook heavy today) and I refuse to accept it because I do not forgive her for what she put me through in high school even though we were "best friends".

Of course, the people I don't forgive never have any clue what they did, and of course, I only remember the one instance specifically and not all of the other things that build up to it, and of course, it's stupid and if I told them they'd probably get mad at me in return for being an idiot. But unsurprisingly, I don't care. You probably figured that when I told you I haven't talked to someone in 3 years. My friend Robert says I have to forgive to be forgiven, but honestly, he's kind of an asshole sometimes, and I'm actually still angry with him about something so he can shove it.

At any rate, I've decided to forgive my friend Julian. He falls into the category of people who don't know exactly what they did to me, and I've decided that the reason doesn't even matter so I won't go into detail because isn't the point of forgiveness that it's in the past?

So, Julian, I forgive you, and I'm sorry for not being a better friend.

Merry Christmas!

My favorite commercial ever is appropriately Christmas related. Happy Holidays!

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Forgiveness does not come easy for me. It's defined as "ceasing one's resentment against." I'm definitely more comfortable burying my resentments deep inside and remaining bitter for life, and I'm definitely not good at turning the spotlight on myself, but here goes.

Essence, I forgive you for losing your mind over a guy.

I know when you were younger, you promised that you'd never be like the girls from your high school who dated a different guy every week and swore they were in love and talked about marrying some teenager, and you didn't want to be that girl. You wanted to be successful and independent and awesome. You wanted anything besides Ennis, Texas and that's okay too. Your last relationship was a lesson, ma'am. It's okay to like a guy and flirt. It's okay to date someone and trust someone and be vulnerable.

What's not okay is morphing into a Bella Swan-esque harpie and completely losing all of your morals and ethics and whatever freaking means anything to you for nothing. It almost seems fitting that things didn't work out as retribution for being a total ass in high school. But I forgive you.

But now you know. And make sure the next time you lose your shit for a guy, he's fucking worth it.

Some day, someone's going to find all this crazy adorable.

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself.

Why is it so much harder to think of something that I love about myself than something I hate?

I love that I teach myself to do things, if that makes sense.

When I was younger, I had an amazing reading level for my age. I just read all of the time. I ended up skipping first grade and everything. My favorite books of all time was the Little House on the Prairie series. I loved how they made everything by hand. Laura Ingalls Wilder sewed her own dresses and quilts, milked her own cows, made her own butter, rode horses, and for a while, took care of her entire family of 6 with just the help of her father. I loved it, and I still want a pony.

At 8 years old, I couldn't get a cow or pony or make my own butter, but I could sew my own quilts (although, I haven't ever actually made a quilt...). So I went to my school's library and checked out books on quilt and doll making (I've made tons of dolls), and I taught myself to sew. I made clothes for my Cabbage Patch dolls and Barbies before moving on to making clothes for myself. My parents bought me one of those kiddie sewing machines, but the thread was always tangled and I hated it, so at 13, I saved up my lunch/chore money and bought my second sewing machine, an actual Brother sewing machine that I still use today.

And that's just sewing. Over the past 12 or so years, I've also taught myself to knit, crochet, bake, bind books, and reupholster furniture. If I want to learn anything, I've just grabbed a book and taught myself. That seems a great quality to have.

So, y'all have seen stuff I've sewn...

Blurry picture of a scarf I knit for a Glee swap. I actually prefer knitting to crochet, so it's rare that I crochet anything.

I got the recipe for baking bread from a cookbook, and y'all should already know about my love of baking cupcakes.

I found this old chair in my parents' garage and decided to change it up.

I painted it brown, re-stuffed it, and reupholstered it with a water-resistant fabric.

Maybe I just love my crafty nature in general?

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

I found this cool thing online called "30 Days of Truth." It's pretty self-explanatory, and now I don't have to come up with interesting blog topics! Ready?

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself.

It might surprise people to know that I hate a lot of things about myself. Or not. Maybe you guessed that my extreme narcissism is a facade to hide my vulnerabilities?

But I guess the thing I hate the most is how I react to situations because I do exactly that. I react as opposed to responding. I go with my first instinct, to whine or bitch or throw a tantrum or get angry, rather than taking the time to think and not make an ass of myself.

For everyone I've gone psycho on, I'm sorry, and I totally know that I'm crazy in retrospect. I just need to work on catching it beforehand (Or we could make a group decision to not piss me off, whichever is easier).

Just kidding! Mostly. <---I can't figure out why this one section is underlined?

Mean Girls

I like mean girls. Not like the movie though. I mean 'mean girls' like snarky, sarcastic women with a little bit of an attitude. Usually powerful in some way, and bonus points for great comedic timing and especially witty remarks.

I get called "mean" a lot. I've never really understood it. While I can readily admit that I am more of the bitter, catty mean than the funny kind, I do not set out with the intention to hurt people, which I've always believed is the difference between actual mean, inspired by hatred, envy, or negative emotions, and snarky, awesome mean, inspired by the desire to be funny with timing and sarcasm. But seriously, even when I try to be "nice," I still get called mean, which is why I gave up and started just saying whatever I felt like saying (If I do say mean things now, it's because I'm being bluntly honest since I lost my filter or trying to be funny/mean, not because I "hate" anyone or I'm trying to hurt feelings).

Is it sad that I aspire to be the sassy mean that makes people laugh rather than upset? I'm confident that one day I will get there, or run off all people so that I'm alone and it doesn't matter anymore, but until that day, I will continue to study these mean girls so that one day, I hold the gift of properly applied cynicism and wit.


#1 - Megan Mullally as Karen Walker.

Did you ever watch Will and Grace? And if you did, it was because of Karen Walker, right? She's so amazing. I really want to be her when I grow up, rich and mean, always holding a cocktail, and yelling for my maid. Also, she has a gay best friend. I want a GBF.



#2 - Rachael Harris as Cooper

If you've never seen Will and Grace, then I know you've never seen Notes from the Underbelly. It was a great show on ABC that just never really took off with the general public, which is disappointing, because I loved it. Then again, it was a show about babies, and I only started watching during my baby craze, so I might not be the best judge... But it follows this young couple who want to have a baby, but they don't know if they should. Cooper is the best friend. You know the one, the single, alcohol loving, sexually available friend. Except she's great because she's amazingly acerbic. I think Ms. Harris just does a great job portraying bitchy people in general because she's also Melissa from The Hangover (if you were wondering where you'd seen her before. Let it also be noted that she is not Julie Benz. I know, I get them confused sometimes too).




It takes a minute or two to get to the Cooper-goodness, but I promise she's worth it.

#3 - Aly Michalka as Rhiannon

I am fully aware that Aly is not the main character of Easy A. I know she was only in about 20 minutes of the whole thing. I know I should be upset about her turning on her friend in her moment of need. But I loved Rhiannon. More than Emma Stone's character, Olive. There. I said it, and I'm not sorry. I guess it's because Aly Michalka was a Disney girl (Phil of the Future, and she had a singing gig with her sister, A.J.), and I thought she was a full-blown Hilary (as in, Duff) and that she wasn't going to act ever again and then she busts out with Rhiannon (and a cheerdleading show on the CW). Rhi is hilarious. I don't want to be like her now (okay, maybe a little), but I definitely wish I had her spunk during my high school years (believe it or not, there was a point in my life where I was quiet and shy and even more awkward than now).



I wanted the scene where Rhi calls Olive a bitch like 80 times, but since it's a new release only official clips and trailers exist on youtube. You should rent/buy it anyway because even though Rhiannon's part is small, it's a great movie on the bigger scale as well.

#4 - Chelsea Handler

I love this woman. She has a talk show on E! called 'Chelsea Lately' where she makes fun of celebrities, does random skits, and interviews celebrities. And not the nice interviews like Ellen or Oprah where they try to make the interviewee look great and like an excellent person. Chelsea makes fun of them, even if she is saying nice things. It's wonderful. Whenever I watch her show at home, my mom asks, "Why do you like her? She's so mean!" and of course, that is why I love her. She makes her living poking fun at people who do stupid things in the first place. And she's multi-functional. She also has three books, she does stand up comedy, and writes an advice column in Cosmo. She makes fun of people through three different types of media. Tell me that's not amazing.



#5 - Tina Fey as Liz Lemon
Regardless of whether or not I finally become the perfect mix of funny/mean, I'll willing to bet I end up exactly like Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. I was reluctant to watch the show when it first came out because it was so hyped up and it won so many Emmys (I hate popular things. See Twilight, Lost, and those sneakers that tone your lower body.), but I started watching it on Netflix because I needed to see what the fuss was about and I'm glad I did because I watched all four available seasons back to back. Seriously, 15 years from now I will have a great job in New York City, no husband or significant other, and be on a list to adopt a baby.* Not that I aspire to all of those things, but Liz and I are so similar, right down to our hatred of people, our love of food and the fact that we usually have food stains on our clothes.



You don't have to watch all ten minutes, it gets a little monotonous without the back stories, but the first two minutes explain her snarkiness and show other people making fun of her.

#6 - Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester

I don't want to be Sue Sylvester. Sure, she's a great mix of funny and mean, and probably the easiest type of funny/mean for me to transition to, because it's mostly mean and self-centered, but if Sue were a real person, no one would like her. They certainly wouldn't think she was funny (well, maybe if they were talking about her behind her back, people like me would admit to loving her, but it wouldn't be acceptable to broadcast that you think she's hilarious). But as a TV personality, I can safely say that I love her. I would cry and probably pee my pants if I went to McKinley High and she spoke to me, but I love her.



'Sneaky Gays' is my favorite Sue's Corner! And if you don't watch Glee, you are definitely missing out on great mean girl fun every episode. It's not just Sue; Quinn, Santana, Terry, and Rachel** are also delightfully mean.



Admit it, you want to be a little mean now too. Or just watch all of the amazing television shows I watch. Who's your favorite mean girl? Or television show with a "mean" woman?

*Speaking of which, my mom says that the baby craze is a phase that will pass once I get my career going and buy a house (and hopefully, the husband part; still her words, not mine.) Then it will come back in my mid-thirties whether or not I already have kids, but especially if I don't. That's comforting, huh?


**If you watch Glee, does it strike anyone else as odd that Rachel asked Santa for Finn last Christmas? She's Jewish, and openly spoke about not believing in Jesus or even comfortable dating someone who believes in Jesus and wanting to raise her future babies as Jews (it was a tumultuous couple minutes), but she essentially prays to Santa, a mascot for a "Christian" holiday? CREEPY AND CONFUSING.

Baby Fever

Does being a girl make every girl a little baby crazy?

Believe it or not, I used to be against the idea of procreation. From about grade 7 to 12th I adamantly protested that I would never have kids. This was partially because I believed that no one wanted to have babies with me, partially because everyone in Ennis got pregnant and that annoys me (On another, more pathetic note, is it sad that I believe the fact that I'm from Ennis, not pregnant nor have ever been close to getting pregnant mean that I'm unattractive? Because seriously, pretty much every girl from Ennis has a baby.) I used to feel like getting married and having babies was a cop out to leaving home and having an actual life. I wanted to travel, and be a famous fashion designer, and live in my New York apartment with my dog, and probably die alone, but at least I wouldn't still be in Ennis.

Apparently, I'm just a late bloomer, that's all. Fast forward to my young adult years, and I cannot walk past the childrens' clothing in Target with out pointing out the adorable baby sweaters or the baby section in Walmart without cooing over the tiny socks (seriously, baby socks are so, so tiny and adorable). I can't emphasize enough how much I hated the idea of having children when I was younger. Now I want like 8 (minimum 3, we'll see).

Can you really say no to this?

At work on Monday, I mentioned that I wanted a baby. One of the girls said she'd be my baby, which is sweet and all, but she's 9, and I want a baby baby so I can get socks and smell that sweet baby smell and hold it while it's all squishy and wiggly (damn girl hormones). When I said as much, another girl told me to go have a baby then.
"Are you implying that I should just go get a baby? Where would I get a baby?"
"No, I'm saying go to the club, meet a guy, and have a baby."

I love that kids think it's that easy (actually, if I just wanted a baby, it probably would be that easy). I read an article in a magazine that said that men want marriage and children conditionally, like "I'll get married and have kids on the condition that I meet the right girl," whereas women plan on getting married and having kids without even meeting a guy. We just hope that one's out there, and eventually select one to fulfill those dreams. It's so interesting, but so true at the same time. I just don't want to be that girl, who picks out her wedding dress and colors and names her children*, but then never has any of that. But at the same time, if I don't plan on any of that, will it actually happen? I'm still gonna go with blaming the girl hormones...

At any rate, I want babies. But it is me, and I'm infinitely picky, so I most definitely will not be one of those crazies who want a baby with anyone. And no being like my mother and telling me that I'm too young to be worried about these things (because like I said, pretty much everyone I know has a kid). I believe it's never too early to worry about dying alone in your fancy New York apartment and not having anyone find your body until it starts to smell (damn girl hormones).

*Is it also weird that I've thought way more about being a mom than actually getting married?

I May Be 20...

I may be 20, I may have a job, and pay rent, and attend the University of North Texas full-time.

But I totally dressed up to see part one of the 7th movie release.

My friend Morgan and I during screen printing. Bonus points if you know who she's dressed as.

And not only did I attend the midnight premiere dressed up, I went to class, i.e.- walked around campus dressed like a school girl. Only the truly amazing people complimented me. I know I like to pretend that if Hogwarts were a real place, and I were a witch, I'd be in Gryffindor, but let's face it, I'm so Slytherin.

At any rate, I'm a huge HP fan, so much so that I usually hate the movies for being so untrue to the books. However, the 7th movie is definitely worth seeing. I guess since they knew they were splitting it up into two parts, they took a lot of time making it really close to the book.

But I approve of not acting your age all the time. Do something silly tomorrow, okay?

I've Got Mail

One of my roommates messaged me on facebook.

Firstly, I don't appreciate the tone of her first two sentences. It implies that all I do is sit around and bitch about them, instead of just the one post that took me like 15 minutes to write (and this one...)

Okay, that's technically not true. Like 90% of my blog is me bitching about someone, but I've talked about my niece, my ex-boyfriend, two of my best friends, random assortments of strangers, and my own parents. If I'm bitching about the people who gave me life, no one is sacred.

Secondly, I've heard from our "mutual friends" (and probably the same people) that you talk about me. Everyone talks about everyone, especially when they're irritated/annoyed/upset.

And nobody ever talks to anyone directly. Everyone always says that, but I believe they are lying. I didn't even get "directly," I got a facebook message (but since it was only my inbox, it's better.) I can only think of one instance where I would have rather someone come to me. The rest of the time, I would rather you keep it to yourself, even if you extend the definition of 'yourself' to include a group of your friends. Once again, everyone (and I am not generalizing,) bitches about someone behind their back.

Third, thanks for tossing the whipping cream if it was bad, but it's still considered rude to not tell me the reason it was gone.

And really, if you aren't going to tell me, "Hey, your whipping cream was bad," or "Hey, I'm going to have 10 people over so if you planned on watching Criminal Minds or sleeping, sucks for you," or "Hey, I'm inviting your ex over even though I know you don't want to talk to, see, or share air with him so he can awkwardly try to talk to you for two seconds before he remembers that you're not okay with his presence," then I am not the only one with communication issues.

That's why I blog instead of talking to people. I can say whatever I feel at that second and let it go. If we had an actual conversation about cleaning, I would blow everything out of proportion and be overly dramatic, and nothing would be accomplished (because when people argue, they never purely defend themselves, they always get on the offensive, and when I feel like I'm being attacked, I am out for blood.) According to Ms. Judy, I'm abrupt and rude sometimes. I just get the distinct feeling that whether I posted a blog or talked to any of them, they'd be mad, so I vented. It's not like the blog is a solution, I don't think it is, but I get all of the bitterness out so that I don't do or say something worse.

I really don't know what "rest of the world" you're talking about. Blogger has a handy tool that puts up statistics about your blog, and I know for a fact that post got 5 page views and no comments. So five random strangers glanced at it and weren't even inspired to post a "Sux 4 u." If I wanted to be an outright bitch, I would make a video complete with a soundtrack of a tour of the kitchen and post that on youtube where hundreds of thousands of bored people will watch anything (and I mean anything. Look up "smoking Smarties.") I just really don't see how 5 strangers who I haven't even met is any better or worse than two or three of our friends who I see everyday on campus spreading it around.

The fact of the matter is, I blog about everything I feel for my own sake. If you're offended or whatever, sorry, but you are a secondary character in the movie that is my life. I write about things, then I forget about it because after I release it, I'm over it. If I talked to anyone every time I was upset with them, I would constantly be harping on people because pretty much everything annoys me. Then you'd dump me. Just kidding (not really.) Really, it's just a blog post in a sea of blog posts that no one but me cares about. Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time someone on the Internet called me childish or immature or stupid, I would have exactly 35 cents. But I know exactly who I am, bitchiness, flaws, and all, so I remember that I can just post a video of a cat and everyone will be distracted and forget about it.

But since I have no intention of not talking about everything that pops into my head, and I'm not sorry for writing how I felt at that moment, I guess I'll just apologize for accusing anyone of using my whipping cream and post a picture of my dirty shower so no one maintains the idea that I'm of saintly perfection (because you all thought that, right?)

This just reminds me that the maintenance people haven't fixed my drain yet.

Home Training

My mom is pretty funny. Sure, I fight with her all of the time, but I love her. One of my favorite things about her is her ability to work idioms or little sayings she got from her mother into any conversation. If a little kid is in the store throwing a temper tantrum, she'll say, "You can tell he ain't had no home training (Grammatically incorrect even though she teaches English. Maybe we should pay teachers more?)" or if we go visit someone else's house, my mom will insist that my sister and I clean up after ourselves. "Act like you've had some training."

Well, mirror, mirror, on the wall, I'm my mother after all. Three months in my new apartment, I can tell that my roommates have no home training.

This apartment is never clean. And I'm not talking about my mother's clean, where you have to be able to see yourself in all surfaces, I'm talking normal clean. There are always dishes in the sink, there are always crumbs on the counter, there's always dirt on our floor (not technically anyone's fault since the rubber thing on our door does nothing to keep dirt out, but still, sweep that shit up,) and there's always dirty towels everywhere (technically my fault, but I'm not going to run the washer for one towel and I can't let the nasty towel stay in the sink as my roommates will continue to use it. Even when it smells bad. Seriously.)

It's not even just the cleaning, it's the food. When we first moved in, Hanna and Lexie went out and bought their own individual everything. Cassandra and I decided to share common things like condiments and baking ingredients. So we all have our own things, but sometimes I forget things. Like Cassandra doesn't like eggs, so she doesn't buy any. One time I happened to just grab eggs because I didn't know we were out, and they happened to belong to Hanna, and naturally she was upset with me for using her things without asking. Okay, I haven't used her eggs since. But I've bought two packages of Land O' Lakes unsalted butter (I'm a butter snob. It turns out margarine is made with some chemical substitute for milk. The more you know!) and they're both gone. I most definitely have not used 8 sticks of butter by myself, and Cassandra hates butter, so it had to be one of the people who has an (unopened) package of margarine just sitting alongside my butter.

I went to a funeral this weekend, and when I came home, my carton of heavy whipping cream was just sitting on the counter. Empty. And the remnants of whatever they used the whipping cream to make was just sitting innocuously in a bowl beside it. Like it's just cool that they used practically my entire carton of whipping cream to make frosting. Like they couldn't have purchased their own damn whipping cream or at least texted me to ask before they used my stuff. I wouldn't even be so upset that they used my whipping cream without asking if they hadn't used all of it. That's one of my pet peeves. Don't let me buy something with the intent to share and eat all of it. Leave me that last bit, and not a little bit either. A significant amount because I paid for it!

Anyway, I now know how my mother feels. I apologized to her. It is hella annoying to get up at 6:00 AM, go to school all day, then drive to work, then deal with kids asking the same three questions ("May I go to the bathroom," "What are we going to do today," and "May I help you?" The last one is almost cute until 20 different kids ask. Or just the same kid 20 different times.) Then drive home in rush hour traffic, open your door and prepare to relax and eat for the first time that day, and then realize you have to disinfect every surface in your kitchen just to make a meal, and then clean up after yourself only to have the same people who fucked it up in the first place come in behind you and fuck it up again. I am so sorry, Mommy.

I know it seems pretty hypocritical of me to insist that someone else clean up since my room looks like a tornado dashed through while playing tag with an earthquake, but the way I see it is, my room is my space. I can just close the door. I can clean when I feel like cleaning, if I feel like cleaning. But the kitchen/living room is a shared space with 3 other people, and out of common courtesy at the very least, I'd like for them to be able to use the stove without scraping egg off of it first.

And my room doesn't attract bugs. Seriously, sometimes I come in and see ants crawling around on the dirty dishes. Sometimes I kind of like to pretend that I'm a giant squishing people I hate, but most of the time it's just disgusting. I'm not even asking for the floors and windows to be cleaned, I really just want the kitchen to be spotless. It's how I was trained.

The moral of the story is, don't live with just anyone. They might be a nice person on the inside, but secretly waiting to leave dirty pots and pans on the stove because they've had no home training.

Did you think I was kidding?

Have a happy Tuesday!

Speak Now

It's a little weird that I like Taylor Swift considering all of her songs are a chick flick in musical form (in case you didn't know, I hate chick flicks. According to my Netflix account I like gritty thrillers and critically acclaimed documentaries.) Seriously, every single one is about a guy that she's in love with or how she wants some other girl's boyfriend or she's mad at someone. But I think I love her because she's the kind of singer/songwriter I'd be if I were clever enough to make my feelings rhyme.

One of my friends is just amazed that people continue to date her. Let me just say that I would love for her write me song. I don't care if she's angry or if she wants my man. I would give her my boyfriend for a song.

But seriously, Speak Now is beautifully written, clever, and as heartfelt and soul touching as her other albums. Taylor Swift sings to the love-lorn 13 year old girl in all of us, and even if you don't like her, you have to admit it's relatable. It's a little weird hearing the Pre-teen Song Queen singing lines like "There's a drawer of my things at your place, (Mine)" or "She's better known for the things that she does on a mattress, (Better Than Revenge)" but then I remember she's my age, and she's gotta "grow up" sometime.

I've been listening to this CD non-stop for a week. And yes, I bought the Target exclusive CD with 3 extra songs and a music video and extra Taylor Swift goodness. I read an article saying that country music is the only genre really selling CDs instead of people just downloading individual songs. But if I can encourage you at all to support Taylor Swift, I'm recommending the following.

Songs to Download: Mine, Back to December

My Personal Favorites: Sparks Fly, Speak Now, Better Than Revenge, Enchanted

Song that Most Reflects My Life Right Now: The Story of Us

So what are you waiting for? At least look them up on Youtube. Just don't look up the ones of her in concert. I love her and all, but she is not great live.

Idiot Girl

I'm taking screen printing this semester!

At this point everyone asks me what screen printing is, and I don't know how to describe it. I usually just say printing with a screen because that's what it is, and I can't be more clear, but I googled it, and found this article on Wikipedia and this image:



But our screen printing isn't so advanced that it uses the light sensitive emulsion. We basically just come up with a design, cut it out with contact paper, stick that to the screen, then pull the pigment across the screen and it prints.

Anyway, for our first official project, we were making a tessellation (so educational today.) Basically, the shapes have to fit together so we had to make a grid, then fit the shape inside the grid exactly. The first thing Amy, my professor, told us to do was mark one side of screen with 'window' for the side facing the window because all of the shapes had to face the same direction, and if we accidentally turn our screen, the shapes won't. Duh.

Guess what I did first?

I am so dumb.

I pretended that I did it on purpose to determine which way I wanted to print the shapes, but really, I'm horrible with short term information. But screen printing is fun. I might make it my medium of choice.

Countdown

This was originally a facebook note by my best friend Bailey. I didn't want to post mine there too and be a copycat, so my followers get to enjoy it!

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people:

1. Stop bringing people to our apartment. I wanted an apartment to get away from people, not to have them over in my space.
2. Is it really that hard to put your spoon in the sink? You're standing rightnext to it. It's only one extra hand motion that takes 2 extra seconds.
3. Wash out the fucking wok. It's been sitting soaking in grease for three days.
4. I love you, but you're going to have to let me grow up eventually. I'm willing to bet money that my life under your dictatorship is the reason I have tons of social problems. It doesn't have to be big changes, maybe just letting me go to Starbucks without calling me every hour asking when I'm coming home. I don't know, that's why it's called "hanging out." I'll come home when I feel like it.
5. I'm sorry I'm not a better friend. I just have trouble forgetting that I'm not the center of the universe. Let's blame my parents, and I'll try to be nicer.
6. I don't know why you don't like me since I'm pretty sure I've never spoken to you, but could you at least put your passive aggressive eye rolling away? I'm not 100% sure, but I think I'm at least tolerable.
7. I don't normally like blondes, but I will make an exception for you.
8 - 9. I'm sorry I'm such a bitch.
10. You saying that I have "potential" is like a bitch-slap in the face to who I am now. I am enough.

Nine things about myself:

1. I know here and in real life, I come across as a whiny bitch. And I am, I'm not even going to pretend that I don't have my moments (or just one really long moment) but I do really care about people. I try to be nice, but my nice rarely registers. I'm just naturally sarcastic and cynical. And as much as I complain about them being in my space or annoying me, I harbor very little animosity towards my fellow man. You know, until they open their mouths.
2. I love books. I learned to read when I was three or four, and I ended up skipping 1st grade because I tested out. I haven't been reading for recreation as much, but books, I just want you to know you're my real best friends.
3. I'm not a clean person by any stretch, but I've discovered that I have real problems with people who aren't even trying to be tidy.
4. The only thing I've sewn since I've been to school has been a pant hem. I miss it.
5. I've always thought that I'm a night person, but since I've been in bed asleep by midnight for the past month, I think I'm more of a morning person.
6. It is physically impossible for me to stay awake during my history class.
7. Switching my major to fibers was the best decision I have ever made. I'm actually back to being an A student!
8. I cannot name the first 6 presidents, but I know the names of all of Angelina Jolie's children. Since most Americans can do this, I don't feel so bad, but really? America is raising idiots.
9. So you don't think I'm completely dumb, I can name the first 5 presidents: Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Adams, Van Buren. And now I can name the presidents around Lincoln. I think it's: Taylor, Polk, Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, and Arthur. Ask me again in a couple months though, it'll be gone.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. My mom says that my dad ruined any chance for me having a relationship by giving me everything I want. This is probably true, but I still think there's a guy out there who has what it takes. I don't have to get everything I want when I want it (but I won't turn that down,) I just have high expectations, and you should meet them or exceed them. Is that really too much to ask?
2. I like one of Bailey's, so two words: witty banter. I like to argue. Not for the sake of winning or being right, just to hear what you have to say. I want to know your point of view on things, I want to know what you're passionate about, and fighting does it. So keep it clean, be funny, and say what you mean.
3. In the movie The Switch, Jason Bateman's character says, "Why do women always say sense of humor first when we all know it's a lie?" So you know, sense of humor is my #5. Being passionate is my #2. I don't care if it's running, writing, or sewage systems, love something. Being talented at whatever it is is good too.
4. If you compliment me, call me pretty or beautiful, not cute. People at church call me cute. Relatives call me cute. My friends call me cute. I want your job to be making me feel beautiful.
5. Listen to me. I'm having major problems with people just hearing me. No one wants to feel ignored, especially not a self-centered crazy like me.
6. Know who you are and know how to laugh at yourself. Most people take themselves way to seriously, and they don't even know what's what, myself included. I need someone light-hearted to brighten my day. Don't be afraid to sing duets with me in the car or dance without music or just be a goofball.
7. Don't try to get into my pants. Outright sexual attention just freaks me out, which is why I've never been on a date with any of the guys who've approached me with, "Hey, Bay-bay." It's terrifying. A better game plan is act completely uninterested and let me come to you (Pun intended. Just kidding.) I'm still not sleeping with you unless you propose, I deem you fit to have my virginity, and pledge 'til death in front of all our friends and family, but your chances are greatly increased by playing hard to get.
8. In addition to listening to me, talking to me is great too. I always hear that communication is the key to a great relationship, but I rarely see it executed. This goes along with my #2, I guess. I want to know what you think and want and feel, but I'm not a mind reader. Heck, I'm probably still talking about me if you're not saying anything, so you're just enabling my self-centeredness.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. CLEAN THE DISHES.
2. Why are there people here?
3. Everything is as it should be.
4. I am never going to remember all of this (usually pertaining to history.)
5. Where are my keys?!?
6. What am I going to eat tomorrow?
7. This will make a great blog.

Six things I wish I'd never done:

I honestly don't think there's anything I wish I'd never done at all. I think I would have liked to do things differently, but that's adding things to things that happened, not wiping them away completely...

I think that all six would have to do with how/what I say to people. Apparently, I'm abrupt and rude (and I'm not trying to be, honestly. I just tend to say the first thing I think when I think it, which is the problem.) So that and then high school.

Five people who mean a lot (in no specific order):

1. Daddy
2. Erica
3. Bailey
4. Cassandra
5. Elliot

Four turn-offs:

1. Smoking/drinking*.
2. Being argumentative (the un-witty kind)/always wanting to be right.
3. Close-mindedness.
4. Dishonesty.

*I was going to put piercings/tattoos as well, but I've determined that I also harbor a strange attraction to guys with both of those. I'm just a weird kid.

Three turn-ons:

1. Blue eyes. :)
2. Compassion.
3. Logical (Bay put "artsy." While I like art and art minded people, I have to admit that I am more attracted to the highly intelligent, straight-forwardness of logical people, i.e. Dr. Spencer Reid. I'm artsy enough for one couple. Although this isn't to say I wouldn't be with an artist either. It's just finding a straight one in Denton is pretty tough. I'm done talking now.)

Two smileys that describe your life right now:
}:( :)
Pouty and upset, but still happy. I might be either bipolar or schizophrenic. It'd explain a lot, actually.

One confession:
I'm fine.

Bittersweet

Last night, I was chillin' in our living room watching Glee (I bought the whole 1st season on DVD!) No one else was home, so I was wearing pajama bottoms and eating cookies and singing, and then Hanna walked in with Ben and Taylor. Mind you, I like Ben and Taylor, and I don't have a problem with people hanging out at our apartment, but it was midnight. And I was wearing pajama bottoms. And if that wasn't enough, they came in, sat at the bar, and started talking loudly like I wasn't sitting there trying to watch TV. I was going to bed after I finished that episode anyway, so I just turned it off and went to my room, but it's just now striking me how incredibly rude that was. Sure, Hanna lives here too, and she invited you over, but that doesn't mean that me sitting in the dark watching Glee is less important than Ben's story about how someone said he had Justin Bieber hair.

My friend Jeffrey did the same thing last week, only it was during the season premiere of Glee. He came over to study with Cassandra, then talked to Hanna over Glee while I was trying to pay attention (which is doubly rude because Hanna is the roommate who told us we'd "have to be quiet in an hour" because her favorite show was coming on.) So I missed most of the dialogue at the beginning of Glee, but then Jeff left to pick up Cassandra from class, and I got to watch some of the episode in silence. Then Jeff walks in with Cassandra, Richard, and Gabe. And they proceeded to talk all over the last half of the episode because I had to explain what was going on. So they kept studying and I kept watching TV, but I ended up getting into a sound war with Richard because he wouldn't stop talking to Cassandra even though she was reading a book (I also hate it when people talk to you while you're reading.) Then Jeffrey tried to pull an attitude with me, asking if there was a subtitle option, to which I replied, "Is there a shut the fuck up option?" because I was getting pissed. But then Jeff said, "Well, you knew we were in here studying."

Um, two things. 1) I pay $450 to live here, so I'll watch TV whenever I feel like it, wherever I feel like it. 2) It wasn't like I came in while they were studying and just turned the TV on to make noise. I was watching TV before they even got there, so technically, they're interrupting me. I'm super pissed because Jeff wasn't even quiet during my favorite show, the only one that I even bother to watch live, but he expects me to respect his physics homework?

So Jeff, if you want to be someplace quiet while you're studying, go to the damn library. Or to your house, which you pay for. Don't invade my space and then claim that because Cassandra invited you over that it's okay for you to be an ass.

And for a sweet end to a bitter post:

I made a chocolate bundt cake, which actually just reminds me of something that's also a little bitter. Apparently, you're supposed to cut off the bottom of the cake. I now know this because three, not one or two, but three different people yelled at me when I put the cake on the cake plate. And even though my mother, who also makes the most amazing pound cakes, said it was fine to leave the bottom on, the yellers just had to "help" me ice my cake the "right" way because it's "prettier" without the bottom. Me being corrected has also happened with Jeffrey while we were making pasta.

So y'all know, I can cook. Probably more than you can since I made dinner three nights a week for a family of four (sometimes five) the entire summer. I've also made bread and pizza from scratch, and I made cupcakes every week for at least two months. I do not need your suggestions on how long to boil pasta or how to decorate my cake, thankyouverymuch. My way is just different from yours, and if you don't like it, get out of the kitchen. Keep your suggestions to yourself, because there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing, and if there is, I'll figure it out. K? Thnx.

Dear iTunes,

Dear iTunes,

Why must you update yourself every millisecond? I notice absolutely no difference between iTunes version 9.99999 and 10.0. I think you're the exactly the same and you just enjoy inconveniencing music lovers everywhere. Does it make you happy that I can't browse millions of songs and potentially purchase a Top 40 hit?

And if you are going to need to be updated, could you find a simpler way to do it? Every time you try to automatically update, you fail. Repeatedly. Then I have to go the actual Apple website and manually download you. And this time you're not even downloading manually. All I want to do is buy a Katy Perry song, and this is entirely too much work for "Teenage Dream," even if it is the #1 single.

I'm just saying, since I pay $1.29 per song, you could show a little decorum, iTunes. Clean yourself up before I figure out how to be a music pirate (which can't happen, as I'm technologically retarded.)

Regards,
Essence A. Beasley

Happy Birthday.

Disclaimer: Let me start off by saying that I know before I post this that I'm going to sound whiny and ungrateful. So if you've had enough of my pity parade, feel free to skip this post. I promise to return to my usual ray of sunshine self after this last one.

I hate my birthday. I always have, and after this particularly depressing birthday, I'm making it official. Every year, I think it'll be different, that I'll have a great birthday with a super party and people will remember and get me a present, but no, it's always disappointing.

My birthday has always been awful. No one ever remembers. Even my parents forget the actual day sometimes (September 7th? No, Mom, the 6th.) My sister always got a card in the mail from random relatives. Always close to her birthday, always with money in it. I got a card 6 months later, absolutely empty except for the signatures. I know my family meant nothing by it, but as a kid, that's depressing.

My friends not remembering was worse. I thought it was because my birthday was so close to the beginning of school that my friends never remembered, but then in high school, my birthday was between Justin's and Aaron's and people always remembered theirs but never mine. So I figured I should start remembering theirs and making a big deal of it. Reciprocation, right? Be a great friend who made cupcakes and picked the perfect present to get some recognition on my birthday (I know, that's not how it should work, but I was 14 and more self-centered than now, if you can believe that.) So I would ask what kind of cupcakes they wanted and bake them and get up early the next morning to frost them and bring them into the band hall and have the cupcakes disappear and people rave about how good they were. But when my birthday rolled around, nothing.

So for the past 5 years, I've made my own birthday cupcakes. I always got weird stares and I'm sure people talked about me, but if I wasn't excited to turn one year older, who would be?

But this birthday has officially done me in. I turned 20 on Monday, my boyfriend broke up with me the week before, and now nobody was going to celebrate with me. Cassandra was supposed to take me shopping, but the night before, she told me to sleep in so she could go play tennis with some boy. I don't sleep in. I'm awake by 8 AM everyday and if I make myself sleep, I sleep all day. So on my birthday, I cried for 4 hours until she came back and finally took me to the mall. Then she and Hanna started dragging. When I asked what was wrong, she said, "I'm tired." No shit. Maybe because you got up early to blow me off on my birthday.

I was upset most of the day because I get Facebook updates sent to my phone. Every couple of minutes, my text message alert goes off, and it'd be some random person saying 'Happy Birthday!' on my wall. Towards the end of the day Lexie asked if I was having a good birthday. I said no because Anthony never wished me a happy birthday, not even on my Facebook wall, which is the most passive aggressive way to do it, and we're supposed to be friends or some bullshit like that. Even his mom and sister wished me a happy birthday. I'm pretty sure Lexie texted him because then he texted me and said he had a card for me and to tell him when I got home so he could bring it over. So he brought me this Mickey Mouse card and that was it. It's like the proverbial nail in the coffin for me.

See, for Anthony's birthday, even though it's like 5 months from now, I bought him the Beats by Dr. Dre headphones that he's wanted for forever. And before anyone makes any comments about the price, we would have been celebrating our 1 year anniversary in addition to his 21st birthday, and we would have been good friends for 3 years. Plus, I had a surplus of money because it turns out I paid for the first 2 months rent instead of the first and last's months so I had like $800, and I don't mind spending money on my friends. Ironically, a week after I bought them, he broke up with me, but I figured I'd give them to him anyway since we're supposed to be friends or some bullshit. But then he brought me a card. Just a card on my shitty birthday. Just a card that he probably didn't even buy until after Lexie told him I was pissed off that he was ignoring my birthday. I honestly would rather that he didn't wish me happy birthday at all.

So at this point, I don't want to talk to him. I don't care if we get back together or not. I don't want to be his friend. I'm not crying over him anymore, and I'm returning those stupid headphones and buying myself something shiny since I'm the only person on planet Earth who cares that I was born.

Except I didn't even have cake this year.

On a more positive note, I have a job interview today. Wish me luck!

Also, thank you for reading this far. Don't leave any comments about me being a selfish bitch though, I can't take it right now.

Fine

This whole break up crap just reminds me of a line from a Katy Perry song. It's called "Thinking of You," and Katy sings, "You said move on, where do I go?"

Depressing.

It's even more depressing since Katy's hot and totally got someone else while I'm just alone. Bitch.

I'm fine most of the time in the most literal sense of the word I have ever expressed. I'm not happy or sad or upset or angry or anything until someone asks or I'm left alone without anything to do (hence this post. I'm not fine right now.) My feelings about Anthony are pretty fluid right now too. I alternate between desperately wanting him back, being fine because I want him to be happy and I'd do anything to make that happen, and taking his "you deserve better" racket as a personal challenge. I just don't know right now.

As far as where I'm going though, I do have a plan. I hate that I became one of those girls who's only about her significant other so fixing that is first on my to do list. I'm in weaving and screenprinting this semester and I already had to spend a Saturday finishing up projects. I'm joining Fibers Club and Roots and Shoots and rushing a fraternity. I'm still applying for the Girl Scouts job, I'm attending a new church, and I want to find a yoga or dance class. It's all about distractions right now. Besides, Cosmo says guys like girls with different interests.

So wish me luck because 90% of the time I just want to lay in bed and stop feeling things, and that is no way to live life.

Can't Fight Fate

Lame, I know. But I cried yesterday, and I have resolved to stop crying.

Sidenote: I made my facebook status say as much about crying, and everyone I know told me to cry. Am I the only one in the world who thinks crying is pointless? It's not like crying will bring him back and I don't feel better after crying, I feel like crying more. Plus, my nose runs and it's gross.

At any rate, don't cry for me, Argentina. I'm not the pretty princess type to sit on her laurels and wait for the prince to come save her. I am a pull yourself up by your bootstraps type (because apparently, I'm also 70 years old.) I'll get through it.

Like my mom says, "Life moves on." (Which is really annoying while you're crying, but not so bad a couple hours later.)

Update!

I'd like to pretend that my lack of posting has to do with the fact that I moved, but that's only part of it. Really it's because I can't think of anything to post about. I've moved in, I love my apartment, I get to hang out with Anthony again, and my parents are gone, so everything's pretty sweet. I guess there are some little things I could discuss...

1. I went to a part-time job fair on campus because I need a job. I swear everyone has a job but me. The job that I super duper want is being a Girl Scout troop leader of sorts. I love Girl Scouts. I was one for 13 years, and even though I never earned my Gold Award, I still like cookies.
2. My car's broken. Again. I really need that thing to run, partially because the job I want requires me to drive and partially because I like driving myself to the library (I like to go by myself so I don't have to wait on other people and so I can browse to my heart's content,) and the store because I also don't like shopping with other people. They always want to stick together and walk around the whole damn store in a group when it is so much faster and efficient for me to walk away, get my crap, and then find them. I am such a loner sometimes.
   
3. I only have $200 in my account, but I still need one textbook and two art kits. My parents got the check for my financial aid, but they won't just deposit it because they think I'm irresponsible with my money (which I probably am, but I need crap.) This is another reason I need a job. I hate calling my parents when I need money because then I have to explain what I need it for (um, snacks at the movies, gas, and fast food. Sometimes a dress, but mostly semi-necessary things.) I'm going to try to go to one of those money management things our school has and keep a real budget to send to them so they see that I'm not a complete money retard (I'll admit that I'm fairly impulsive when it comes to spending cash, but sometimes, I just want to buy clothes. It's not like I'm buying Prada either, I'm at Target. Sue me.)
4. I accidentally left my watercolor palette on the dashboard of my car during the move (it was a convenient place for it since my car was full and it was less likely to tip over up there,) and it warped and all my watercolors dried up. And a new palette will cost at least $20, and that doesn't even cover the cost of the paint itself.
5. I'm still not done unpacking. I need to hang up some of my wall art and I want to buy some of those magazine holders, but I'd need to buy the picture hanging strips and the magazine holders too which is more money! It even costs to get organized.
6. My senior year of high school, I refused to weigh myself for some math project, and we ended up not being able to do the project because I wouldn't, but I knew if I weighed myself I would feel bad and get anxious and obsessive because that's how I roll. Well, for some reason on Tuesday, I thought it would be a great idea to weigh myself on one of those scales in the mall while Anthony was using the restroom. I weigh 225 pounds. Then the scale gave me my lottery numbers and a fortune. Guess what my fortune was? "Exercise to be healthy." Damn scale is an asshole. Anyway, I checked my BMI with that weight, and I am obese, and I'd have to lose 65 pounds to be considered healthy (you see what I mean about obsessive?) But I lack the will power to actually do anything about it, so I just end up eating whatever and then feeling bad because I know it contributes to the 225 pounds.
   
7. Lastly, the Mean Green Fling was yesterday, which is like a big fair where they give away free crap that you don't really want, food, and the occasional T-shirt. Well, I was in line for a T-shirt, and the lady handing them out said, "This is the last large!" and held it up, and this guy walks up and takes it. He wasn't even in line, and I was obviously reaching for the shirt. Chivalry is officially dead if a guy won't even let a girl have the last free T-shirt. I ended up with an XL, I can sew it down if I need to, but I'm still mad at that jerk.
   

I like how I said that everything was okay, but then proceeded to complain about life. I guess these things don't really bother me that much. Although the money/job ones have the potential to spiral.

I suppose it's only fair to make a list of things I've loved so far:

1. Hanging out with Anthony every day. I don't mean to sound like we're one of those creepy super lovey dovey couples who can't live without each other, but I love being around him.
2. Having my own room/bathroom. I don't like to wear pants, but it was awkward to be naked in the dorms. Now I'm free!
3. I got a bicycle to ride around campus! I still need to get a parking pass, so I don't think I'll be riding until next week though.
4. My roommates and I had a steak dinner to celebrate moving in, and the roomie saying the prayer used the term "kick-ass." I laughed until I cried, and I still giggle thinking about it.
5. I'm taking screenprinting, weaving, and English this semester. I better have the highest GPA I've ever had.
6. I got a pedicure with Cassandra, Mary, and one of Mary's friends on Monday. My toes are "Aztec Orange."
7. I don't have class on Fridays! This is part of the reason I really really want a job, but if I get the Girl Scout job, I still won't have to work/go to class on Fridays.
8. I'm back at Heritage! I seriously love that church and those people to death. I am never leaving again.
9. Oh, and I have 13 followers! To loosely quote Professor Trelawney, "When 13 blog together, the first to leave is the first to die." Okay, so she was talking about dining at a table of 13, but I'd like all of you to keep following me and terror seems like a good tool for that. Obscure Harry Potter references for the win!
   

I like the word 'innocuous'

Sorry I sounded so emo the last post. I really hate feeling sorry for myself especially since I think I have so much to be happy about, but it happens, I guess.

At any rate, I realized Nicholas was right, I totally do have a hobby. So I channeled my anxiety into organizing my fabric. I went through each piece, cut a 2" by 2" square, wrote the yardage amount on the swatch in permanent marker, and clipped each piece to a book ring. Now I know exactly how much of what fabric I own. It turns out that even though I own a lot of fabric (a lot) I have less than a yard of most of them, which would be fine if I didn't like making clothes.

But a couple of weeks ago I bought this pattern so I could start making my wardrobe look more like Emma Pillsbury's (if you're not watching Glee, you should be.)



I wanted to make view C, which is the pink one in the upper left hand corner.

Em-spiration (aargh, Anthony's rubbing off on me!)

At first glance, it seems innocuous enough. Cute pink skirt, right? It has pockets and the hem is relatively straight. It maybe a little short though.

And from the back, it's still okay. My very first lapped zipper doesn't look completely horrible. I actually ironed the whole thing. But then I put it on.

Yeah, kinda short.
And note the pulling around the hips (Also, first and last time I post a full length picture of myself. I wonder if I look this disproportionate in real life?)

And that's my ass (also the first and last time I show my underwear.) It won't zip!

See, I'm a ready-to-wear size 14, which means I can walk into most department stores, pick up a 14, and just wear it as is. So I figured in pattern land, I'd just go up to a 16 since I thought it looked fitted on the model and I'd be fine. Too bad pattern land is graded differently. Always go by the finished measurements provided on the pattern envelope. According to the finished measurements, I'd actually be a size 20.

The good news is, this skirt only took up a yard of fabric, it was on sale for $2.00 a yard, and I got 2 yards, so maybe I can squeeze a bigger one out of the leftovers.

But I was still bored and restless, so instead of packing so I can move this weekend, I decided to make a present for my best friend, Bailey!

And before you ask, no, she's not 5. She's 17, and she likes dinosaurs.

I got the pattern for three dinosaurs (T-Rex, triceratops, and stegosaurus) from a thrift store for 2 bucks.
I had both fabrics in my stash, one was leftover from some hoodie I made, and the blue actually has dinosaurs printed on it in red, green, and yellow. The ribbon was from some gift wrap.

Dino love! And this is what my hair looks like when I try to look like Thandie Newton and skip washing it for a week. But the good news is, I haven't gotten a relaxer yet! Still debating going natural; I'm definitely leaning more and more towards it every day, but I'm not sure how I feel about cutting it all off. I don't care if it's just dead protein, it's warm and mine.

At least I now feel accomplished in addition to anxious. I'm off to pack now!

Burn Baby Burn

It's times like these I wish I drank. Although, drinking to forget problems and pass the time seem like the quick road to alcholism, so I think I'm okay with not drinking.

At any rate, I'm anxious. I'm anxious a lot, actually, but usually I just get angry, rant, and feel better. But today is different because I've realized that I am officially the most pathetic person on the face of planet Earth. I'm anxious, and I realized that I can't talk to anyone about this. Or rather that the only person that I should be talking to about this doesn't want to talk to me.

But the real cherry on this pathetic sundae is the tears. I don't cry a lot, but the past three days I have hit deplorable levels of Bella Swan-esque blubbering. Seriously? I need a life. Or at the very least a time consuming hobby. Being a girl sucks. What's with this need to talk to someone?

On a lighter note, I was burning a piece of paper for an art project, and I think I have a hidden pyromaniac streak.

It's Been Another Week

Already. And there's nothing new or exciting on the home front. I'm not alone though, many of my favorite bloggers have lapsed into voids. I guess August isn't a very exciting month. But good news, there's only two more weeks until I move back to Denton!

Anyway, I decided to talk about things that are currently annoying me.

1. Victoria Justice, of Nickelodeon fame and recently dubbed the next "Teen Queen" by Perez Hilton, was on the cover of September's issue of Teen Vogue. In her interview she was quoted as saying she liked Robert Pattinson because he's "understated hot."

Vicky, I can call you Vicky, right? Right, if every teenage girl and her mom (literally) thinks that some guy who plays a vampire is hot, then it's not understated. In fact, it's the exact opposite. I think your TV show is calling you away from a much needed English class. At the very least, please buy a dictionary. Personally, every time I see R. Patz I want to schedule an appointment with a barber for him so he can get a good shave and a haircut, but whatever floats your boat.
The thing is, I kinda liked her before I read the interview. Now not so much. I don't really think she's stupid, but the interview made her seem vapid and not that bright. Maybe it was just that interview though?

2. Emma Roberts. I'm annoyed by the fact that everyone was all, "Oh, she's Julia Roberts' niece!" like that somehow made her pretty and a great actress. First of all, that's not even her mom. Julia Roberts has actual children that probably look a lot more like her, but we wouldn't know since she moved to the country someplace and Emma's all up in our faces. I don't think Emma looks anything like Julia Roberts, and she definitely did not get her acting chops. I've been annoyed by Emma Roberts' character in every movie she's ever been in, except Blow. And she was like 5 in that movie. She just always sounds whiny and tired and she always plays some annoying teenager who sighs and shuffles around. But if you take the whiny part out, I do like the sound of her voice, it has a nice tone.

On the one hand, if people stopped comparing her to Julia so much, I wouldn't be as annoyed, but on the other, Emma probably wouldn't be as famous if people didn't push that fact. Lose - lose?

3. My mother. I know, I'm really hard-pressed to find times that she annoys me, but I'm really glad that I only have two more weeks of her fascist dictatorship.

Anyway, my best friend and soul sister, Erica, cut her hair and went natural last year. I've been debating going natural since she did it because a) I don't like spending $50 to get my hair relaxed, b) I don't really like the texture of my hair when it's relaxed (It's too straight. I know that's the point, but it's annoyingly so. I like my hair like a month afterwards, when it still looks nice when I flat iron it, but it also holds curls. I digress,) and c) I'm tired of trying to live up to European beauty standards, ie: straight hair, no hips, basically the opposite of Black. I can try as hard as I want to, as long as I want to, and I'm never going to have Jennifer Aniston's hair (unless I get a sick weave.) I especially want to go natural before I have kids (but that's not happening anywhere in the near future.) I just don't want to have a daughter and tell her to love herself the way God made her, and then blow $100 trying to make my hair be straight. It's hypocritical, and the one thing I hate more than just about everything else (I hate a lot of things,) is hypocrisy.

So I was talking to my mom about it. In retrospect, I guess I did say, "Erica said," a lot, but she overreacted in my opinion. She was just super angry, and she yelled a little, but what really gets me is that she told me "to think for myself."

What the what?

First of all, I have never been a blind follower of anything. Usually, I'm so against being with the masses that I actually hate things that are too popular (*coughcoughTwilightcoughcough*) Second of all, just because I respect someone else's opinion and happen to reiterate it to make a point, doesn't mean that I'm not thinking and forming my own opinion. Yes, I like to talk to others, but no, they aren't doing my thinking for me.

She says basically the same thing when I talk about Heritage too. She asks if I'm in a cult and tells me to read my Bible. I do read my Bible. And I've found entire chapters devoted to what's kosher and what isn't, even if it is in the Old Testament which apparently, we're not supposed to follow, just keep for history which makes no fucking sense, and I've never seen anything in the New Testament that even suggests that Jesus says we can eat pork. That is you, making up rules based on one verse that says nothing about meat, and then trying to make me do what you want.

I'm off topic again. It just really makes me mad that any time I do anything that isn't something she approves of, I'm a sheep, but it doesn't apply to the 18 years I did everything she said.

At any rate, in a perfect world, my hair would be like Thandie Newton's.

But she is half White. It's still cute though. I actually have no idea what my natural hair looks like since I get a relaxer every 4 months. Maybe it does curl.