Countdown

This was originally a facebook note by my best friend Bailey. I didn't want to post mine there too and be a copycat, so my followers get to enjoy it!

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people:

1. Stop bringing people to our apartment. I wanted an apartment to get away from people, not to have them over in my space.
2. Is it really that hard to put your spoon in the sink? You're standing rightnext to it. It's only one extra hand motion that takes 2 extra seconds.
3. Wash out the fucking wok. It's been sitting soaking in grease for three days.
4. I love you, but you're going to have to let me grow up eventually. I'm willing to bet money that my life under your dictatorship is the reason I have tons of social problems. It doesn't have to be big changes, maybe just letting me go to Starbucks without calling me every hour asking when I'm coming home. I don't know, that's why it's called "hanging out." I'll come home when I feel like it.
5. I'm sorry I'm not a better friend. I just have trouble forgetting that I'm not the center of the universe. Let's blame my parents, and I'll try to be nicer.
6. I don't know why you don't like me since I'm pretty sure I've never spoken to you, but could you at least put your passive aggressive eye rolling away? I'm not 100% sure, but I think I'm at least tolerable.
7. I don't normally like blondes, but I will make an exception for you.
8 - 9. I'm sorry I'm such a bitch.
10. You saying that I have "potential" is like a bitch-slap in the face to who I am now. I am enough.

Nine things about myself:

1. I know here and in real life, I come across as a whiny bitch. And I am, I'm not even going to pretend that I don't have my moments (or just one really long moment) but I do really care about people. I try to be nice, but my nice rarely registers. I'm just naturally sarcastic and cynical. And as much as I complain about them being in my space or annoying me, I harbor very little animosity towards my fellow man. You know, until they open their mouths.
2. I love books. I learned to read when I was three or four, and I ended up skipping 1st grade because I tested out. I haven't been reading for recreation as much, but books, I just want you to know you're my real best friends.
3. I'm not a clean person by any stretch, but I've discovered that I have real problems with people who aren't even trying to be tidy.
4. The only thing I've sewn since I've been to school has been a pant hem. I miss it.
5. I've always thought that I'm a night person, but since I've been in bed asleep by midnight for the past month, I think I'm more of a morning person.
6. It is physically impossible for me to stay awake during my history class.
7. Switching my major to fibers was the best decision I have ever made. I'm actually back to being an A student!
8. I cannot name the first 6 presidents, but I know the names of all of Angelina Jolie's children. Since most Americans can do this, I don't feel so bad, but really? America is raising idiots.
9. So you don't think I'm completely dumb, I can name the first 5 presidents: Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Adams, Van Buren. And now I can name the presidents around Lincoln. I think it's: Taylor, Polk, Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, and Arthur. Ask me again in a couple months though, it'll be gone.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. My mom says that my dad ruined any chance for me having a relationship by giving me everything I want. This is probably true, but I still think there's a guy out there who has what it takes. I don't have to get everything I want when I want it (but I won't turn that down,) I just have high expectations, and you should meet them or exceed them. Is that really too much to ask?
2. I like one of Bailey's, so two words: witty banter. I like to argue. Not for the sake of winning or being right, just to hear what you have to say. I want to know your point of view on things, I want to know what you're passionate about, and fighting does it. So keep it clean, be funny, and say what you mean.
3. In the movie The Switch, Jason Bateman's character says, "Why do women always say sense of humor first when we all know it's a lie?" So you know, sense of humor is my #5. Being passionate is my #2. I don't care if it's running, writing, or sewage systems, love something. Being talented at whatever it is is good too.
4. If you compliment me, call me pretty or beautiful, not cute. People at church call me cute. Relatives call me cute. My friends call me cute. I want your job to be making me feel beautiful.
5. Listen to me. I'm having major problems with people just hearing me. No one wants to feel ignored, especially not a self-centered crazy like me.
6. Know who you are and know how to laugh at yourself. Most people take themselves way to seriously, and they don't even know what's what, myself included. I need someone light-hearted to brighten my day. Don't be afraid to sing duets with me in the car or dance without music or just be a goofball.
7. Don't try to get into my pants. Outright sexual attention just freaks me out, which is why I've never been on a date with any of the guys who've approached me with, "Hey, Bay-bay." It's terrifying. A better game plan is act completely uninterested and let me come to you (Pun intended. Just kidding.) I'm still not sleeping with you unless you propose, I deem you fit to have my virginity, and pledge 'til death in front of all our friends and family, but your chances are greatly increased by playing hard to get.
8. In addition to listening to me, talking to me is great too. I always hear that communication is the key to a great relationship, but I rarely see it executed. This goes along with my #2, I guess. I want to know what you think and want and feel, but I'm not a mind reader. Heck, I'm probably still talking about me if you're not saying anything, so you're just enabling my self-centeredness.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. CLEAN THE DISHES.
2. Why are there people here?
3. Everything is as it should be.
4. I am never going to remember all of this (usually pertaining to history.)
5. Where are my keys?!?
6. What am I going to eat tomorrow?
7. This will make a great blog.

Six things I wish I'd never done:

I honestly don't think there's anything I wish I'd never done at all. I think I would have liked to do things differently, but that's adding things to things that happened, not wiping them away completely...

I think that all six would have to do with how/what I say to people. Apparently, I'm abrupt and rude (and I'm not trying to be, honestly. I just tend to say the first thing I think when I think it, which is the problem.) So that and then high school.

Five people who mean a lot (in no specific order):

1. Daddy
2. Erica
3. Bailey
4. Cassandra
5. Elliot

Four turn-offs:

1. Smoking/drinking*.
2. Being argumentative (the un-witty kind)/always wanting to be right.
3. Close-mindedness.
4. Dishonesty.

*I was going to put piercings/tattoos as well, but I've determined that I also harbor a strange attraction to guys with both of those. I'm just a weird kid.

Three turn-ons:

1. Blue eyes. :)
2. Compassion.
3. Logical (Bay put "artsy." While I like art and art minded people, I have to admit that I am more attracted to the highly intelligent, straight-forwardness of logical people, i.e. Dr. Spencer Reid. I'm artsy enough for one couple. Although this isn't to say I wouldn't be with an artist either. It's just finding a straight one in Denton is pretty tough. I'm done talking now.)

Two smileys that describe your life right now:
}:( :)
Pouty and upset, but still happy. I might be either bipolar or schizophrenic. It'd explain a lot, actually.

One confession:
I'm fine.

Bittersweet

Last night, I was chillin' in our living room watching Glee (I bought the whole 1st season on DVD!) No one else was home, so I was wearing pajama bottoms and eating cookies and singing, and then Hanna walked in with Ben and Taylor. Mind you, I like Ben and Taylor, and I don't have a problem with people hanging out at our apartment, but it was midnight. And I was wearing pajama bottoms. And if that wasn't enough, they came in, sat at the bar, and started talking loudly like I wasn't sitting there trying to watch TV. I was going to bed after I finished that episode anyway, so I just turned it off and went to my room, but it's just now striking me how incredibly rude that was. Sure, Hanna lives here too, and she invited you over, but that doesn't mean that me sitting in the dark watching Glee is less important than Ben's story about how someone said he had Justin Bieber hair.

My friend Jeffrey did the same thing last week, only it was during the season premiere of Glee. He came over to study with Cassandra, then talked to Hanna over Glee while I was trying to pay attention (which is doubly rude because Hanna is the roommate who told us we'd "have to be quiet in an hour" because her favorite show was coming on.) So I missed most of the dialogue at the beginning of Glee, but then Jeff left to pick up Cassandra from class, and I got to watch some of the episode in silence. Then Jeff walks in with Cassandra, Richard, and Gabe. And they proceeded to talk all over the last half of the episode because I had to explain what was going on. So they kept studying and I kept watching TV, but I ended up getting into a sound war with Richard because he wouldn't stop talking to Cassandra even though she was reading a book (I also hate it when people talk to you while you're reading.) Then Jeffrey tried to pull an attitude with me, asking if there was a subtitle option, to which I replied, "Is there a shut the fuck up option?" because I was getting pissed. But then Jeff said, "Well, you knew we were in here studying."

Um, two things. 1) I pay $450 to live here, so I'll watch TV whenever I feel like it, wherever I feel like it. 2) It wasn't like I came in while they were studying and just turned the TV on to make noise. I was watching TV before they even got there, so technically, they're interrupting me. I'm super pissed because Jeff wasn't even quiet during my favorite show, the only one that I even bother to watch live, but he expects me to respect his physics homework?

So Jeff, if you want to be someplace quiet while you're studying, go to the damn library. Or to your house, which you pay for. Don't invade my space and then claim that because Cassandra invited you over that it's okay for you to be an ass.

And for a sweet end to a bitter post:

I made a chocolate bundt cake, which actually just reminds me of something that's also a little bitter. Apparently, you're supposed to cut off the bottom of the cake. I now know this because three, not one or two, but three different people yelled at me when I put the cake on the cake plate. And even though my mother, who also makes the most amazing pound cakes, said it was fine to leave the bottom on, the yellers just had to "help" me ice my cake the "right" way because it's "prettier" without the bottom. Me being corrected has also happened with Jeffrey while we were making pasta.

So y'all know, I can cook. Probably more than you can since I made dinner three nights a week for a family of four (sometimes five) the entire summer. I've also made bread and pizza from scratch, and I made cupcakes every week for at least two months. I do not need your suggestions on how long to boil pasta or how to decorate my cake, thankyouverymuch. My way is just different from yours, and if you don't like it, get out of the kitchen. Keep your suggestions to yourself, because there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing, and if there is, I'll figure it out. K? Thnx.

Dear iTunes,

Dear iTunes,

Why must you update yourself every millisecond? I notice absolutely no difference between iTunes version 9.99999 and 10.0. I think you're the exactly the same and you just enjoy inconveniencing music lovers everywhere. Does it make you happy that I can't browse millions of songs and potentially purchase a Top 40 hit?

And if you are going to need to be updated, could you find a simpler way to do it? Every time you try to automatically update, you fail. Repeatedly. Then I have to go the actual Apple website and manually download you. And this time you're not even downloading manually. All I want to do is buy a Katy Perry song, and this is entirely too much work for "Teenage Dream," even if it is the #1 single.

I'm just saying, since I pay $1.29 per song, you could show a little decorum, iTunes. Clean yourself up before I figure out how to be a music pirate (which can't happen, as I'm technologically retarded.)

Regards,
Essence A. Beasley

Happy Birthday.

Disclaimer: Let me start off by saying that I know before I post this that I'm going to sound whiny and ungrateful. So if you've had enough of my pity parade, feel free to skip this post. I promise to return to my usual ray of sunshine self after this last one.

I hate my birthday. I always have, and after this particularly depressing birthday, I'm making it official. Every year, I think it'll be different, that I'll have a great birthday with a super party and people will remember and get me a present, but no, it's always disappointing.

My birthday has always been awful. No one ever remembers. Even my parents forget the actual day sometimes (September 7th? No, Mom, the 6th.) My sister always got a card in the mail from random relatives. Always close to her birthday, always with money in it. I got a card 6 months later, absolutely empty except for the signatures. I know my family meant nothing by it, but as a kid, that's depressing.

My friends not remembering was worse. I thought it was because my birthday was so close to the beginning of school that my friends never remembered, but then in high school, my birthday was between Justin's and Aaron's and people always remembered theirs but never mine. So I figured I should start remembering theirs and making a big deal of it. Reciprocation, right? Be a great friend who made cupcakes and picked the perfect present to get some recognition on my birthday (I know, that's not how it should work, but I was 14 and more self-centered than now, if you can believe that.) So I would ask what kind of cupcakes they wanted and bake them and get up early the next morning to frost them and bring them into the band hall and have the cupcakes disappear and people rave about how good they were. But when my birthday rolled around, nothing.

So for the past 5 years, I've made my own birthday cupcakes. I always got weird stares and I'm sure people talked about me, but if I wasn't excited to turn one year older, who would be?

But this birthday has officially done me in. I turned 20 on Monday, my boyfriend broke up with me the week before, and now nobody was going to celebrate with me. Cassandra was supposed to take me shopping, but the night before, she told me to sleep in so she could go play tennis with some boy. I don't sleep in. I'm awake by 8 AM everyday and if I make myself sleep, I sleep all day. So on my birthday, I cried for 4 hours until she came back and finally took me to the mall. Then she and Hanna started dragging. When I asked what was wrong, she said, "I'm tired." No shit. Maybe because you got up early to blow me off on my birthday.

I was upset most of the day because I get Facebook updates sent to my phone. Every couple of minutes, my text message alert goes off, and it'd be some random person saying 'Happy Birthday!' on my wall. Towards the end of the day Lexie asked if I was having a good birthday. I said no because Anthony never wished me a happy birthday, not even on my Facebook wall, which is the most passive aggressive way to do it, and we're supposed to be friends or some bullshit like that. Even his mom and sister wished me a happy birthday. I'm pretty sure Lexie texted him because then he texted me and said he had a card for me and to tell him when I got home so he could bring it over. So he brought me this Mickey Mouse card and that was it. It's like the proverbial nail in the coffin for me.

See, for Anthony's birthday, even though it's like 5 months from now, I bought him the Beats by Dr. Dre headphones that he's wanted for forever. And before anyone makes any comments about the price, we would have been celebrating our 1 year anniversary in addition to his 21st birthday, and we would have been good friends for 3 years. Plus, I had a surplus of money because it turns out I paid for the first 2 months rent instead of the first and last's months so I had like $800, and I don't mind spending money on my friends. Ironically, a week after I bought them, he broke up with me, but I figured I'd give them to him anyway since we're supposed to be friends or some bullshit. But then he brought me a card. Just a card on my shitty birthday. Just a card that he probably didn't even buy until after Lexie told him I was pissed off that he was ignoring my birthday. I honestly would rather that he didn't wish me happy birthday at all.

So at this point, I don't want to talk to him. I don't care if we get back together or not. I don't want to be his friend. I'm not crying over him anymore, and I'm returning those stupid headphones and buying myself something shiny since I'm the only person on planet Earth who cares that I was born.

Except I didn't even have cake this year.

On a more positive note, I have a job interview today. Wish me luck!

Also, thank you for reading this far. Don't leave any comments about me being a selfish bitch though, I can't take it right now.

Fine

This whole break up crap just reminds me of a line from a Katy Perry song. It's called "Thinking of You," and Katy sings, "You said move on, where do I go?"

Depressing.

It's even more depressing since Katy's hot and totally got someone else while I'm just alone. Bitch.

I'm fine most of the time in the most literal sense of the word I have ever expressed. I'm not happy or sad or upset or angry or anything until someone asks or I'm left alone without anything to do (hence this post. I'm not fine right now.) My feelings about Anthony are pretty fluid right now too. I alternate between desperately wanting him back, being fine because I want him to be happy and I'd do anything to make that happen, and taking his "you deserve better" racket as a personal challenge. I just don't know right now.

As far as where I'm going though, I do have a plan. I hate that I became one of those girls who's only about her significant other so fixing that is first on my to do list. I'm in weaving and screenprinting this semester and I already had to spend a Saturday finishing up projects. I'm joining Fibers Club and Roots and Shoots and rushing a fraternity. I'm still applying for the Girl Scouts job, I'm attending a new church, and I want to find a yoga or dance class. It's all about distractions right now. Besides, Cosmo says guys like girls with different interests.

So wish me luck because 90% of the time I just want to lay in bed and stop feeling things, and that is no way to live life.

Can't Fight Fate

Lame, I know. But I cried yesterday, and I have resolved to stop crying.

Sidenote: I made my facebook status say as much about crying, and everyone I know told me to cry. Am I the only one in the world who thinks crying is pointless? It's not like crying will bring him back and I don't feel better after crying, I feel like crying more. Plus, my nose runs and it's gross.

At any rate, don't cry for me, Argentina. I'm not the pretty princess type to sit on her laurels and wait for the prince to come save her. I am a pull yourself up by your bootstraps type (because apparently, I'm also 70 years old.) I'll get through it.

Like my mom says, "Life moves on." (Which is really annoying while you're crying, but not so bad a couple hours later.)