Saturday, May 22, 2010

Child Stars

Everyone here watched the Disney channel growing up right? You might have noticed that Disney has a thing for kids. Kids used to be into cartoons and animation, but now kids want real life. Kids wants characters they can relate to, so Disney now takes the cookie cutter show that proved to be a success (It started with Lizzie McGuire. Middle class girl with a guy best friend and a girl best friend. Girl best friend is usually stupid. Trifecta interacts with family and school and create problems they must solve. The main character has a crush on someone out of their league, but may or may not end up with boy best friend. If not, girl best friend dates boy best friend.)

But obviously, ex-Disney kids have all the problems. Disney brings them up as child stars, they're famous, they have everything, then they turn 18, and Disney drops them faster than a slippery bar of soap in a shower. Because I have nothing else to do, I've thoroughly analyzed these young stars and now I'm providing you with my results.

Disney kids fall into two main categories after graduating into real life.

The Lohans:

After growing out of their clean Disney roots, the Lohans must prove that they are no longer children by becoming "adults." Usually found excessively partying, wearing barely any clothing, and engaging in other questionable behavior.

And The Hilaries:

Characterized as wholesome goody two-shoes. Often tries to engage in behavior of Lohan. When they realize no one cares, they embrace their "good girl" side and attempt to capitalize on that. After leaving Disney, the Hilaries usually make bad straight to TV movies, date older men, get married, and have kids with little to no media attraction. Examples include Ashley Tisdale and Raven Simone.

Now to apply this knowledge, examine the current Disney stars.

Miley Cyrus is such a Lohan, it's not even funny. She's what, 17 now? I bet within two years, she has a sex tape and at least one arrest for what, I don't know, although she should be arrested for bad singing and acting.

On the other hand, I give the same amount of time to Demi Lovato before everyone is like, "Demi who?" You, ma'am, are a Hilary.

Demi Lovato as a Hilary is strange because she's dating a Lohan.

The Jonas Brothers. Kevin is a Hilary, he's even already married. Joe is a Lohan simply because he's dated every one on the face of the Disney earth. Maybe he'll stay with Demi. Nick confuses me. He is kind of a man whore like Nick, but he's also facing the danger of being forgettable like Kevin. My vote is for him becoming a Hilary.

Speaking of Disney couples,

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are both Hilaries. Zac Efron has more potential to become an actual star because come on.

Hotness goes a long way when it comes to guys, but since all Hollywood's A-list women are expected to be hot, it doesn't fare so well for girls. Vanessa Hudgens even had that whole naked picture scandal and then turned back into a good girl complete with horrible non-Disney movie. So, sorry Vanessa Ann, you're headed for oblivion. Unless you marry Zac. And you're okay with living in his shadow. Maybe have a kid. Then get divorced. And even that's not your career.

Arguably the original Lohan, Britney Spears did launch the whole bad girl, bad behavior bit, but Ms. Spears didn't really have a rival as her direct opposite. Sure, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, and Mandy Moore with Britney formed the blond quartet that popularized around that time, but I don't believe any of them were competition.

You're welcome.

Although, Mandy Moore is appropriately boring. And she did a string of bad movies, with the exception of A Walk to Remember. Anyone who doesn't think she's a Hilary, tell me where she is now.

You might wonder why I didn't pick Christina Aguilera as Britney's rival. See, the media tried to play up their careers as a type of competition, and if Ms. Aguilera hadn't copied Britney, they definitely would be the original Hilary and Lindsay. That's what bothers me about Christina Aguilera. There was some commercial to promote her new music video, and the announcers called her a "chameleon" who's "not afraid to change her look." She only changes her look when someone else is popular. Britney became Toxic; Christina got Dirrty. Gwen Stefani and Katy Perry were into '50s glamour and she tried to be a pin-up, now she's trying to be Lady Gaga. I'm on to you, Christina. You're not fooling anyone.

In reality, Christina probably is a Hilary. She's married and has a kid. You didn't know that did you? Because no one cares. And that's the trademark of the Hilary.

I don't know which one is which, but when it comes to Dylan and Cole Sprouse, I'm betting that one will be a Lohan and one will be a Hilary. You get to guess who.

Last but not least,

Megan Fox wasn't a Disney kid, but I feel like talking about her. I'm hesitant to call her a Lohan. On one hand, she seems bitchy, skanky, and difficult to be around which is prime Lohan behavior, but on the other, there aren't tons of photos of her partying, she claims to have only slept with two people, and I kinda like her. So if she's undefinable, that would make her a real star right?

I don't care what Anthony says, she's pretty. I love her eyebrows, and that's all that matters.

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