Wednesday, May 5, 2010

How to Write an English Paper in 30 Easy Steps

That's right, I said 30! It's even Princeton approved (not really, but it should be!)

How to BS an English Paper in 30 Steps Or Fewer*

Step 1: Forget what paper is supposed to be about.
Step 2: Hate English teacher for moving due date up two days and not adequately explaining what paper is supposed to be about.
Step 3: Google "critique" because you remember you're supposed to be critiquing a paper you previously wrote. Find this site.
Step 4: Look for paper that your paper is supposed to be about. Find every other paper in existence. Find paper that's not even your paper.
Step 5: Recycle and sort through giant mound of paper. Continue to hate English professor.
Step 6: Check Facebook.
Step 7: Turn on Wizards of Waverly Place. Watch 3 episodes. Find Selena Gomez adorable.
Step 8: Finally answer questions from site.
Step 9: Start thinking about sweater clips. You want sweater clips. You need sweater clips.
Step 10: Visit eBay and make 3 bids on different sets of sweater clips.
Step 11: Start blog.
Step 12: Open blank Word document.
Step 13: Write one sentence.
Step 14: Play spider solitaire. Lose 3 games.
Step 15: Write one paragraph.
Step 16: Play a couple more games of spider solitaire.
Step 17: Inspiration strikes! Write one whole page. Lose inspiration.
Step 18: Eat dinner. Avoid paper.
Step 19: Stare at screen. Type some more.
Step 20: Get distracted by roommate watching Battlestar Galactica with no concern whatsoever about your paper that's due in less than 8 hours.
Step 21: Remember this really cool show that you used to watch and wonder what happened to it. Google it. Realize you can watch it online! Wonder why it was cancelled.
Step 22: Type some more.
Step 23: Go to church. Spend about 2 hours talking about God. Spend another hour just talking. Not that any of that is a bad thing, but your paper is due at midnight and it is currently 10:00 PM, CST.
Step 24: Demand that boyfriend drives you back to campus that instant. Keep repeating, "Paper due at midnight," as response to any and every question or remark made in your direction.
Step 25: Bang out another page and a half in an hour. Feel accomplished and proud of your 2 and a half page essay.
Step 26: Realize paper is supposed to be at least 3 full pages. Feel appropriately anguished. Hate English teacher more. Lose will to live.
Step 27: Check text messages. Notice battery is dying. Plug in.
Step 28: Change Facebook status to quote from Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.
Step 29: Type like a mad woman. Finally finish paper! Actually have 3 and half pages. Feel like a BAMF.
Step 30: Email paper to stupid English teacher. Hate him some more. Vow to never, ever procrastinate ever again ever. Pass out in whimpering mass of sheer exhaustion.

*The "fewer" part depends entirely on if you choose to check Facebook, have a propensity to play spider solitaire instead of working, be generally easily distracted, and/or go to church or dinner.

Easy peasy, right?

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